Wait for Me
by NiennaTru
Summary: "When she finally calls John, Jessica isn't sure if she is pleading for help or simply saying goodbye." Character study. Rated for mentions of abuse.


Title: Wait for Me

Author: NiennaTru

Summary: "When she finally calls John, Jessica isn't sure if she is pleading for help or simply saying goodbye."

Spoilers: Everything related to John and Jessica's relationship; and especially 1x21 Many Happy Returns.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, nor do I make money from this.

* * *

10

She keeps the picture of their time together in an old and battered jewelry box, and sometimes, when she is alone, she takes it from its hiding place and gazes at the people captured in the fading image.

Her best friend Amelia knows she does this and disapproves. She tells Jessica to throw the picture away. Why keep a photograph that only serves as a painful reminder of a failed relationship? Why wish for something that's impossible to have? She tells Jessica to forget and move on.

Jessica agrees. She should stop waiting for John, she should forget about him and move on.

She wonders when those things will not seem impossible to her.

* * *

9

Peter comes into her life quietly, the friend of a friend. She sees him at Christmas parties and barbecues, always smiling, always friendly, always putting others at ease. He tells jokes that make her laugh and listens with interest when she talks about her family and career.

Jessica's friends are more than willing to point out that he is prime husband material: successful, funny, steady, and willing to commit.

She begins to think that life with another man might be possible, that she may finally be able to move forward and live her life.

When Peter asks her on a date, she says yes.

* * *

8

Peter isn't John. Peter won't be gone for the majority of her life. He'll come home to her everyday and love her and make a family with her, a life with her.

Peter offers her a promise John was never willing or able to make. Peter offers her a future that she can see, a future that is real, a future she feels able to hold onto.

With Peter, she is not lingering in the bleak expanse between what she wishes for and what actually is.

Peter isn't John.

Peter asks her to marry him.

Jessica says yes.

* * *

7

When she sees John in the airport, she forgets her pride and says the words she has bottled up inside her, words she has been waiting years to say, words she cannot hold back any longer, words that now _have_ to be said.

"_Tell me to wait for you and—say those words, and I will."_

She pleads with him to understand, because she knows that life with John is what she wants, what she has always wanted. And she is willing to wait, to endure loneliness and solitude and uncertainty if only he will promise her here and now that he wants her to wait. That he wants _her._

His silence tells her everything, destroys everything. She hadn't thought him capable of cruelty until that moment.

Her parting words are the only weapons she has in the face of her pain and humiliation—and she wants to hurt him, as badly as he has hurt her.

She can feel his eyes on her as she walks away. She doesn't turn back.

* * *

6

When she comes home to Peter, she tells him to move up the date of the wedding. The ceremony is held in his hometown with their friends and family in attendance.

The wedding announcement is published in the local paper. The woman in the picture smiles as her husband's arms encircle her.

* * *

5

Thoughts of John are a constant presence in her mind, even now, especially now.

She wonders if he ever thinks of her.

She can't help but think how pathetic that is.

She forces herself to imagine the possibility that he has invited someone to share his life, that he has allowed someone to look after him. The thought hurts, but she embraces the pain.

She had accused John of being cowardly, of not doing what was hard, of not fighting for them, for their relationship. John had pushed her away, it was true, but _she _had taken the irrevocable step.

The irony of that stings.

Self-reflection had never been her favorite pastime.

* * *

4

Peter works from home as much as possible. He tells their friends that he does so because he hates suits and ties, that the commute to work is terrible, that his wife makes the best coffee in the world, that he does his best work after hours.

Jessica's co-workers joke that she is a workaholic. They tell her if they had a husband like Peter they'd ditch their jobs in a heartbeat and be housewives and sleep late and spend time doing what they enjoyed. They tease that Jessica is wasting her energy at work when she could have been exerting herself in far more enjoyable ways with her husband.

Jessica tells them she gets bored too easily at home, that she needs to stay busy and challenged. She tells them Peter is supportive and loves the fact that she has a career she enjoys.

The lies come easily.

* * *

3

Jessica's mother crochets granny-square afghans and donates them to the residents of local nursing homes. She goes to Mass three times a week and refuses to watch the news because the violent stories are too upsetting to her.

Jessica's mother calls her daughter every day to talk and worries if Jessica sounds upset.

Jessica knows her fragile mother cannot be burdened with this. Her mother, who had followed Jessica to New York because she couldn't bear to be away from her daughter, will not understand this, must be shielded from this.

Jessica regrets many things. She refuses to add destroying her mother to the list.

* * *

2

Life for Jessica is an exercise in extremes.

There are times when Peter is sweet and considerate and life seems almost normal. There are times when Peter tells her she is beautiful and that he loves her. There are times he promises to change, to stop, to get help and she believes him. There are times his kisses are tender and his hands lovingly caress her body.

There are times Peter is cruel and malicious, smiling as she cries. There are times he explodes in rage and beats her. There are times when life is unrelenting tension and almost unbearable dread. There are times his kisses are hard and demanding and his hands hold her down, though she learned long ago it was far better to submit.

* * *

1

A new patient in the rehab wing stops her as she is leaving the hospital. She knows she should hurry home, knows that Peter will expect her there at a certain time and will be angry if she is late.

But something in her is drawn to the man who looks strangely pitiful in his tailored clothes as he awkwardly maneuvers the wheelchair in which he sits.

She sits outside with the eccentric little man and talks with him until the dark clouds overhead unleash the first raindrops of the approaching storm. She helps the man back into the hospital and says goodbye.

She is late coming home.

* * *

0

When she finally calls John, Jessica isn't sure if she is pleading for help or simply saying goodbye. A sense of inevitability and an overwhelming feeling of hopelessness have closed in around her.

He immediately knows something is wrong, but she assures him that everything is fine. The lies are second nature to her now—all part of the falsehood and pretense and deep, unrelenting shame that is her life.

He doesn't believe her. He tells her he will come for her, that he will help her. He says the words she has waited years to hear.

"_Wait for me."_

His voice sounds hollow and broken to her, lacking the warm tones she remembers, but she clings to it like a lifeline. She promises to wait.

John is coming for her.

She hangs up the phone and goes back into the house.


End file.
